Marriage Jokes
The government cuts costs
|The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper."Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."
This wife is too jealous
|There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
A way to save your marriage
|A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
Don't take any chances
|A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."
What a large crowd
|A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.""Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends.""Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
The way you say it
|It's not what you say, but the way you say it.On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."The girl was very flattered.What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
Going to the office
|Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Finding perfect men
|At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends."The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Getting into fights
|A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?""Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
Have long marriages
|Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
Gift for a birthday
|A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
Wife was mad at me
|Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop! The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen. How do you do that? Says the other. It's easy! I turn off the light!
Subjects for a date
|A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
Smaller or larger tuxedo
|A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo.After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible.
Write on the bottom of shoes
|Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!)
Cheap plastic rings
|A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the room, we "have been talking about" the news that says the jewelry store he just went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable customers. This didn't work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your group it would.
I'll just call my lawyer about this
|Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, "If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, "Oh, never mind! I'll just call my lawyer!" It rattled the groom's mother so much that she fainted.
A secret pregnant lover
|At the rehearsal dinner for my boss' daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn't marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss' wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.
One way ticket across the country
|A groom's friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening, everyone was completely drunk, and none moreso than the guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room.When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use.The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was barely able to stay awake long enough to say "I do".
Return your keys
|Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.
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