Lawyer Jokes
How's business?
|Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night."How?s business?" asked the first."Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper."
What is his occupation?
|A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor.""That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman.""Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
What is the oldest profession?
|A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
Trying to be impressive
|A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
What's your wife's name?
|St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven."Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler."I was a good father," he answers."Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let?s get out of here."
Space photography
|The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
Free advice at social affairs?
|A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
I want to take money with me
|As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
When you know you must really be drunk
|A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he?d had enough.The bartender said, "I?ve got to ask you. What?s with the pocket business?""Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer?s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I?ve had enough."
I suppose I earned enough
|An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney?s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I?ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.When she got off the phone and realized the old man?s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour?s work isn?t bad."
Lawyer's club
|A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape."It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!"
What is two plus two?
|An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?" A variationA university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
Were you ever arrested?
|A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"He answered no to the question.The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."
Who owns the cows?
|After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father?s activities and be introduced to his father?s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman?s clothing. He said,"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"After the client left, the lawyer?s son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows.""Don?t worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"
Is there a way to thank you?
|"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles."My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
Leaving money for the dead
|A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they?ll have something to spend over there."They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
I want to appeal a case
|Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client?s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
Arguing effectively
|How to Argue Effectively I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: -=- Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom." -=- Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement. -=- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples to oranges. What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865. You say: You're begging the question. You say: Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa. You say: You're being defensive. -=- Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
From another planet
|NO ZAMBODIANS, PLEASE: Judge Rules Out Prince Mongo's CostumeMEMPHIS, Tenn. - A judge has ruled that a defendant can't show up for trial wearing fur, bones, goggles and pale green body paint, even if he is from the planet Zambodia.But an attorney for the man who calls himself Prince Mongo wants to make a federal case out of his client's 10-day jail sentence for contempt of court. Slug PM-Prince Mongo. New, may stand. Federal court hearing starts at 1 p.m. EDT.
Japan is in trouble
|Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!The decline has begun.Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 enginerrs. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?
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