Lawyer Jokes
Unfit words to hear
|A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested."Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."
Talk to the judge
|A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other.""Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"
History of lawyers
|Why God Created LawyersSatan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"And so God created lawyers.
Keep that a secret
|After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.""I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."
Halls of Justice
|A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver."You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge."The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"
You're a lawyer if
|You Might Be A Lawyer If....You are charging someone for reading these jokes. The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long. You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill. Your other car is a BMW. When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer. When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
Demise of a partner
|One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself."Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.""Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman."Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back."I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."
Learning a lesson
|A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"
Merry Christmas law
|Merry Christmas in Legal TermsPlease accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
Advice from lawyers
|George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
Knowing the facts
|The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness."Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir.""How far away were you when the accident happened?""I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision.""Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance
Need a new lawyer
|Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer 1-) Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser. 2-) When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other. 3-) Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." 4-) Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie. A prison guard is shaving your head.
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