Instrument Jokes
A Choristers' Guide To Keeping Conductors In Line
|The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor.1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour.5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time.7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have the music.9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone.11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique" so challenge it frequently.12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference, making to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection".13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget.Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs!
Accordion jokes
|An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.Q: What is the definition of an optimist?A: An accordion player with a pager.Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?A: Their personalities. Q: What's the range of an accordion?A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! Q: What's a gentleman?A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion. Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?A: Terrorists have sympathisers.Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides. Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?A: The accordion takes longer to burn. Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?A: Hide it in an accordion case. Q: What's an accordion good for?A: Learning how to fold a map. Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?A: A chainsaw can be tuned. Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Bagpipe jokes
|Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?A: To get away from the noise.Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A. Shoot one. Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes playing in unison. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital. Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes? A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter] Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain? A. Gifted. Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it. Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it. Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style. Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating. Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato. Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't. Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in handicapped zones. Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his drones. Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control? A. Their personalities. Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session. Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm. Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A. A bagpiper. Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool. Q. What's one thing you never hear people say? A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche. Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? A. Moving targets are harder to hit. Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door? A. No one knows when to come in. Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer? A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one. Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice. Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?" Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!" Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing into it. Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile? A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Banjo jokes
|Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.Q: How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?A: They make great anchors!Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?A: They make good paddles.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?A: You can turn off a chainsaw.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?A: You can tune a Harley.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?A: Saves time.Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?A: By their names.Q: What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?A: "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?A: Will the defendant please rise.
Bass jokes
|Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand. The annoying drumsThis guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."The manager says, "No! Drums must never stop. It's very bad if drums stop.""Why?""When drums stop...bass solo begins."
Bassoon jokes
|Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To get away from the bassoon recital.Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A: The bassoon burns longer. Q: What is a burning oboe good for? A: Setting a bassoon on fire. Q: Which burns better, an oboe or a bassoon?A: A bassoon; there's more wood!Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Only one, but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.Q: What are oboes good for?A: Kindling when burning basoons
Cello jokes
|Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.
Clarinet jokes
|Q: What's the definition of a nerd?A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?A: So they can park in the handicap zones.Q: What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?A: Gifted.Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?A: You can almost hear them.Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?A: You can't!
Drum joke Q & A
|Q: Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?A: So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?A: The knocking gets slower.Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?A: The knocking gets faster.Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?A: The bass player notices.Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?A: A drummer.Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?A: Homeless.Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?A: Drool.If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
Which drummer?
|There's a five pound note on the floor. Of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up?The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.
What is your IQ?
|Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is."200,000" replies the first guest."Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics.Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"The new guest responds with "250"."Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it "five"."Well, that's great," says Bob, "what kind of drumsticks do you use?"
Looking to buy
|A man walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?""You're a drummer, aren't you?""Yeah. How'd you know?""This is a travel agency."
English horn jokes
|Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?A: One is far more painful to your ears.Q: What's the name of a good English horn player?A: I'll tell you when I meet one.Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.
Flute jokes
|Q: What's the definition of a minor second?A: Two flutes playing a unison.Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune. Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.
French horn jokes
|Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?A: A goal post that can't march.Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?A: A goalpost that can't march.Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?A: Have them miss every other note.Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?A: "Hi. I played that last year."
Guitar jokes
|Q: How do you make him stop playing?A: Put notes on it!Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?A: Pick on someone your own size!Q: What's the definition of a minor second?A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?A: Counterpoint.Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?A: Give him a sheet of music.Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?A: Would you like fries with that?Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
Harmonica jokes
|Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
Harp jokes
|A harp is a nude piano.A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Harpsichord jokes
|The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof".
Oboe jokes
|Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?A: Shoot four of them.Q: What are burning oboes used for?A: To set bassoons on fire.Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?A: Because most oboes are full of holes.Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?A: Steal his batteries.
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