Ethnic
Jewish telegram
Jewish telegram: ?Begin worrying. Details to follow.?
What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD?
Q: What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD?A: A trip to Israel.
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady...
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion."Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi."Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
Q: What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?A: He breaks his nose.
Man goes to see the Rabbi...
Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible ishappening and I have to talk to you about it."The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she'spoisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoketo your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. Youwant my advice?"The man anxiously says, "Yes.""Take the poison," says the Rabbi
What's the object of a Jewish football game?
What's the object of a Jewish football game?To get the quarter back!
How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any underwear?
How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any underwear?There's dandruff on his/her shoes.
You might be a redneck if...
You might be a redneck if you check the mileage on your home.
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?A slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy.
What do you call a villager with 500 girlfriends?
What do you call a villager with 500 girlfriends?A shepherd.
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?They had reservations.
A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane...
A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying tothe Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some verybad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this planewill be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island belowus that should be able to accommodate our landing. This islandappears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. Sothe odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to liveon the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of ourlives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island,whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we payour pledge to the Yeshiva yet?""No Morris!" she responded.Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?""Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"Now Morris laughs."One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our TempleBuilding Fund check this month?""Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"Morris responds, "They'll find us!!"
A man calls his mother in Florida....
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?""Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."The son says, "Why are you so weak?"She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filledwith food if you should call."
What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?A: Facing Bloomingdales
Christmas and Hanukkah Merger
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, itwas announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah willmerge.An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.While details were not available at press time, it is believed that theoverhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milkingbeing the hardest hit.As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," themessage on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Clausand his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least threehundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. Abreakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain thecompetitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading allpresent in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
The Rabbi
There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who onSabbath eve announces to the congregation that he willnot renew his contract and is moving on to a largercongregation that will pay him more.There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands upand announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him witha new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"The congregation sighs, and applauds.Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says,"If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish afoundation to guarantee the college education of hischildren!!"More sighs and applause.Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces,"If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!"There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb,whatever possessed you to say that?"Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what wecould contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said,'Fuck the rabbi.'"
No pressure
This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?""Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn'tgo well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to comeand live with you and your wife...."
Sex on Sabbath
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." Sent by Jesse
What's the Arkansas state motto?
What's the Arkansas state motto?If you can't keep it in your pants keep it in the family.Sent by Mike
If you take an Oriental person and spin him...
If you take an Oriental person and spin himaround several times, does he become disoriented?
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