Elderly
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store...
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked."Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.""You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested."Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
Orange penis
An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrongwith me. My dick is orange."The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. Hehas no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently paintedanything orange.The old man said "No."The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recentlybeen exposed to any chemicals at work.The old man said "No, I'm retired."The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with anychemicals in his garage.The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sitaround all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos...
An elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests...
"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine.""I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years."
A couple of geezers were sitting...
A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, havinga little chat. "How are you, Tom?" asked Marvin."I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled amuscle and it's killing me.""That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though.""Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times...."
An old man goes into the Social Security Office...
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pulldown your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue...
This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.So how come you let the bus kill me?". God said: "I didn't recognize you".
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up...
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"
An elderly couple in a senior home...
An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another women holding his penis. "What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"
An elderly couple walk into a doctor office...
An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby." The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample." So the couple comes back a few days later.They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says,"I was afraid of this." The old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar."
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon...
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I should tell you I have acute angina The old man says I hope so, you sure don't have cute tits.
You Can Never Really Go Back
You Can Never Really Go Back There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago this morning." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you now as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in you oatmeal!"
There was an old married couple that had happily...
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus...
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."
A work of art
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye."What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.""Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
Three old ladies are walking down the street...
Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.One: Whew, it's windy today!Two: No. Today's Thursday!Three: So am I! Let's go to a bar!
A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office...
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What canI do for you?"The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctorsaid, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And hethen charged them $32.00.This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is marriedand we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it herefor $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor'soffice."
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front...
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands inback. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last nightand had the best meal ever. Good prices too."Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of therestaurant?"Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What'sthe name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"Sam says, "How about rose?""Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at lastnight?"
An old man is sitting on the park bench crying...
An old man is sitting on the park bench crying. Another oldman sits down next to him and says, "Mister, what's theproblem?"The old man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, "I'vegot this beautiful, 35 year old wife, and all she wants to do ismake love from the moment I walk in the door till the momentwe go to sleep and then when we wake up again.""So, what the hell is the problem?""Mister, you don't understand... I forgot where I live!"Another oldman sits down next to him and says, "Mister, what's theproblem?"The old man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, "I'vegot this beautiful, 35 year old wife, and all she wants to do ismake love from the moment I walk in the door till the momentwe go to sleep and then when we wake up again.""So, what the hell is the problem?""Mister, you don't understand... I forgot where I live!"
An old man and an old lady are getting...
An old man and an old lady are gettingready for bed one night when all of asudden the woman bursts out of thebathroom, flings open her robe and yells:"Super Pussy!"The old man says: "I'll have the soup."
How do old people have oral sex?
How do old people have oral sex? They talk about it.
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