Elderly
An elderly couple, living apart...
An elderly couple, living apart, had been datingfor several years. One day Elmer said to Betsy,"We should stop this nonsense. We are paying tworents, two car insurance payments, buying separatefood and cooking separate meals. We should justmove in together. Betsy: Whose house would we live in? Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for. Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on? Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine. Betsy: Who would do the cooking? Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes. Betsy: What about sex? Elmer: Infrequently. Betsy: Is that one word or two?
An old retired man goes to his wife one day...
An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."
There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment...
There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucketplease?"The assistant asked"Pardon sir?"."Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. "Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for hisbucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked -"Can I have a cock please?" The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?". The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir." So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant andasked "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?". So he repeated himself "Can I have a bum please?". The assistant said " Oh right, you mean a bun!". The old man said "Yes that's what I said in the first place."So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up tohim and asked "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?"The man replied "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket whileI get my cock out."
Is it worth it?
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked."He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder than I am.""Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"
One day an older fella was in for a checkup...
One day an older fella was in for a checkup.After his examination, his doctor was amazed."Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in thegreatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!""Did I say I was 64?""Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?""Damn straight you did! I'm 85!""85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were25! How old was your father when he died?""Did I say he was dead?""You mean...""Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!""My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from!How long did your grandfather live?""Did I say he was dead?""No! You can't mean...""Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!""126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't thinka man would want to get married at that age!""Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."
The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife...
The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife wereshopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man'soldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceousblonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace,the friend asked "How in the hell did YOU land a wifelike that?"The old man whispered back, "Easy. I told her I was 90!"
An old man and an old woman were sitting...
An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfasttable on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said,"You know, 50 years ago, we were probablysitting here buck naked." The woman said, "Why don't we try that again?" So they stripped and sat down at the table again. Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my titties are as hot foryou today as they were 50 years ago."The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in youroatmeal and the others in your coffee!"
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body...
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body,he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.One morning he looks into the mirror and admires hisbody. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over,except his penis, and he decies to do something about it.He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himselfin the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and onelooks down and says "There is no justice in this world".The other lady says "What do you mean?"The first lady says "Look at that".When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.When I was 20, I was curious about it.When I was 30, I enjoyed it.When I was 40, I asked for it.When I was 50, I paid for it.When I was 60, I prayed for it.When I was 70, I forgot about it.And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild
THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE...
THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE, SOPHIA, AND HARRIET. GERTRUDE SAID, "I THINK I'LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKEA BATH." SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHEHAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB. SHE SAID "WASI GOING INTO THE TUB, OR COMING OUT OF THE TUB?" SOPHIA AND HARRIET WERE DOWNSTAIRS CHATTING WITH EACH OTHER, WHEN SOPHIA SAID, "YOU KNOW, GERTRUDE'S BEEN UP THERE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON HER." AS SHE WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS SHE STOPPED AND TURNED AROUND AND SAID, "WASI GOING UP THE STAIRS, OR COMING DOWN THE STAIRS?" HARRIET WAS LEFT SITTING AT THE TABLE BY HERSELF. AFTER SHE HEARD SOPHIA'S REMARK SHE SAID,"THANK GOODNESS I'M NOT THAT BAD KNOCK ON WOOD." "WAS THAT THE FRONT DOOR OR THE BACK DOOR?"
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test...
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. Thedoctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?""274," was his reply.The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What isthree times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man.The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What'sthree times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How didyou get that?""Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse...
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines."Don't know," the woman said.He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them."This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."
Don't Forget!
An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so theydecided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing waswrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor aboutthe problems they were having with their memory. After checking the coupleout, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want tostart writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. Thecouple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chairand his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you canremember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. Youhad better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream withstrawberries." She replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'llforget that so you'd better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down!I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her aplate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."
An old lady lived by herself in a small house...
An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy.Sent by BIG GUY
Too much attention
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother toa nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well caredfor. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her atasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a windowoverlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but aftera while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her andstraighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while shestarts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back andonce more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjustingto her new home."So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask."It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"
Partial Dosage
Partial DosageAn elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked thepharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. Howmany do you want?"The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sexanymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Seventy year old George went for his annual physical...
Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get upin the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to thebathroom and then poof! the light goes off!""Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call youbecause I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"Thelma replied, "Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus...
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
Bending it further
The old man was saying to his doctor,"You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock. As I got a little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it alot. Does that mean I'm getting stronger?"
A man was walking down the street when he noticed...
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" heasked again.The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out herewith no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
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