Doctor Jokes
Problems remembering
|Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?Patient: What problem? A variationDoctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?Patient: What pills?
Doctor, should I file my nails?
|Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.
I would like to havea second opinion
|A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.Patient: I wanna second opinion.Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
I think I need a pair of glasses
|Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
Put me into a fighting mood
|Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
Get me an ambulence now
|A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
I have good news and bad news
|Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.Patient: What happened?Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?Patient: Give me the bad news first.Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Is she feeling any better?
|Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?Nurse: No change yet.
What should I do then?
|Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?Doctor: Sell!
Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease
|5. You never have to watch reruns on television.4. You are always meeting new people.3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.1. Mysteries are always interesting.
The prison hospital
|Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
How much will this cost me?
|Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist: $100.00.Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Doctor! I swallowed a pillow!
|Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Letters from charities
|I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!
Would you please do me a favor?
|A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
I can't find the cause of your pain
|As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.""In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
An invisible man is here to see you
|Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
Bad temper problem
|Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.Doctor: Tell me about your problem.Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
Will I live any longer?
|Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
People are ignoring me
|A patient walks into a doctor's office.Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.Doctor: Next!
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