Doctor Jokes
Doctor's Notes 8
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Get a heart transplant
|A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds."Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?""No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
Preventive medicine belief
|Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.Doctor: Oh, really?Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
Do you have a solution?
|A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
I have bad and very bad news
|Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Did you take the patient's temperature?
|Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?Nurse: No. Is it missing?
We need to help these people
|A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!Nurse: What is it?Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
I've got good and bad
|I've got good and badThis old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
Did you ever have this before?
|Doctor: Have you ever had this before?Patient: Yes.Doctor: Well, you've got it again!
My son swallowed the can opener
|Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!
The bad and the worse news
|A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.Man: And the bad news?Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!
My wife is beating me
|David: My wife beats me, doctor.Doctor: Oh dear. How often?David: Every time we play Scrabble!
I'm gaining weight doctor
|Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.Doctor: You should diet.Trish: Really? What color?
We are the best of friends
|The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.""That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
Does it hurt when you do this?
|Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?Patient: Yes.Doctor: Well, don't do that.
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
|Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?Doctor: A shoebox.
What is your problem?
|Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
You're in great health
|Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
Driving exams worry me
|Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.Liz: I'm the examiner!
The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients
|1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.2. Be cheerful at all times.Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
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