Computing Jokes
If Dr. Seuss was a technical writer
|What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the above doesn't help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Top ten signs you bought a bad computer
|10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Fifty ways to be annoying in computer labs
|1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
You have an Internet addiction when . . .
|You kiss your girlfriend's home page.A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. Your dog has its own home page.Your dog's homepage is actually good.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher." You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
The Windows Rejection Song
|Why are there so many, users of Windows?Don't people have any pride?Windows is useless, and designed by morons,and Windows had got DOS inside.But some don't care and continue to use it.I know they're wrong, wait and see.Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,the users, and Bill Gates, and me.Who said that every bug, would be found but left there?It seems so strange and bizarre.Microsoft thought of that, and millions accept it,look what it's done, so far.What's so amazing are all the delays inthe replacement for Windows 3.Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,the users, and Bill Gates, and me.All of us under its spell,we know that it's utterly tragic...Have you been not saving, and then torn your hair out,because of a G.P. fault?Is this the error, that occurs most often,and causes your system to halt?I've seen it too many times to ignore it,I think it is just s'posed to be.Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,the users, and Bill Gates, and me.la, da da, lee, da la loo,a, la, la la, la lee la roo!
Help stories from Tech Support
|Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.Another Compaq technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn''t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the disk.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his room.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn''t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hiting the "send" key.Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,"Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had clearned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.A Dell technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer''s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn''t be taken personally.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn''t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer''s mouse.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn''t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
The programmer's cheer
|Shift to the left, shift to the right!Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
I'm ignoring Y2K
|Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet."That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?""Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".
Instructions for Microsoft's TV dinner
|You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//Then enter:ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
There was life before the computer
|An application was for employmentA program was a TV showA cursor used profanityA keyboard was a piano!Memory was something that you lost with ageA CD was a bank account!And if you had a broken disk,It would hurt when you found out!Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a fileAnd if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!Log on was adding wood to a fireHard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse livedAnd a backup happened to your commode! Cut--you did with a pocket knifePaste you did with glueA web was a spider's homeAnd a virus was the flu!I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my headI hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!
A list of redneck computer terms
|Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.Cache - Needed when you go to da store.Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.Diskette - A female Disco dancer.Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.Rom - Where the pope lives.Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.
The technical geek test
|Are you a tehcnical geek?Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
A husband with a computer addiction
|My Dear Husband,I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.Love,Your Wife
Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)
|Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling."The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century."We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented."We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe." Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products."Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own."Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued.
Computer history of the world
|In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless--since Windows could replace it. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered--I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to! And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. General Protection Fault
Caring for floppy disks
|ORIGAMIArt of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the drive?SMOKEUse cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.PIRANHASIf you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of "caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.MAGNETSThey are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.MAILPut a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that's all.MAGIC TOUCHTouch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPEArchive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.DON'T MAKE BACKUPSOf course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.SUPREME STUPIDITYIt is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you'll find new methods to add to this list.
Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer
|10. The monitor is up on blocks.9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Huntin". 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Password selection rules
|CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.
The Borg versus Microsoft
|Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."Fifteen minutes later . . .Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."Two hours pass . . .Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."Picard "Identify."Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"Over the speakers:"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"
Ten things Bill Gates would like to change about the automotive industry
|10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.
<< Prev 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 Next >>