Christmas Jokes
Love, Santa
Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone. Love, Santa
Poor Turkey!
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink. And then comes the worst part", he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, and smiled at me and said..... "Christmas is coming..."
Homemade Bargain Gift
Here's a money saving tip for Christmas: Glue Ju Ju Bee on a Brick and mail it out as a fruitcake!-Julie Brown
Christmas at the Post Office
Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas!-Johnny Carson
The Office Christmas Party
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day!-Phyllis Diller
Believing in Santa
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Clause. Unfortunately, so did my parents, so I never got anything!-Charlie Viracola
The Miracle of Christmas
I think the real miracle of Christmasis how I get through it each year without killing my relatives!-Reno Goodale
Jews & Christmas
December 25 is National Jews Go to the Movies Day!-Jon Stewart
Bad Santa
A little girl asked santa to send her a sister. Santa said on one condition, send me your mother.
Christmas Jokes - Question and Answer
|Q: What do elves learn in school?A: The Elf-abet!Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?A: "I don't like sprouts" !Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missletoe! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem. Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho. Q: Where do polar bears vote?A: The North Poll. Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood. Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?A: Because it's to far to walk.Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?A: Forty feet of track - all straight! Q: What kind of bird can write?A: A PENguin.Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? A: Sandy Claus!Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? A: Fleece Navidad!Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?A: North Polish.Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?A: Crisp Cringle.Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you. Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?A: Okay everyone, sack time!!Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes. Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A: A subordinate claus.Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?A: He wanted to sleep like a log.Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door! Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?A: Because it " soots " him!Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? A: Pour Santa flush on him. Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?A: Because every buck is dear to him.Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.Q: Olive?A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?A: It was wound up already.Q: What's a good holiday tip?A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
A Microsoft Christmas
|NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first." Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year." When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
Politically Correct Santa
|'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even you.So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."This document is copyright (c) Harvey Ehrlich 1992.
On the Twelve Days of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me . . .
|December 14, 2003Dearest Dave,I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!With truly the deepest love,AgnesDecember 15, 2003Dearest Dave,Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.With all of my love,Your AgnesDecember 16, 2003Dearest Dave,You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.Love,AgnesDecember 17, 2003Dear Dave,Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.Affectionately,AgnesDecember 18, 2003Dearest darling Dave,It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!All my love,AgnesDecember 19, 2003Dear Dave,When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.Cordially,AgnesDecember 20, 2003Dave,What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.Sincerely,AgnesDecember 21, 2003O.K. wise guy,The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!AgnesDecember 22, 2003Hey loser,What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!You'll get yours!AgnesDecember 23, 2003You rotten scum!!!There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!One who means it!December 24, 2003Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!Your sworn enemy,AgnesDecember 25, 2003The Law Offices ofBadger, Rees, and Yorker20 Knave StreetChicago, IllinoisDear sir,This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.Cordially,Badger, Rees, and YorkerThis document was written by Agnes Mcholstein.
A Martha Stewart Christmas
|Dear Santa:I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.I want to slap Martha Stewart.Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.You probably want to smack her yourself.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
|A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife."No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Signs You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer
|1. You strike a match and light your nose. 2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you. 4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!" 7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. 14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
Did Santa Give You That Present?
|On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"The kid says, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."
Enter the Pearly Gates
|Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" Answer... "They're Carol's."
Lost X Files Christmas episode
|Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some thing.Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.Scully: But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it? Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry. Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained. Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse. Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies? Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding. Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry. Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace. Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there. Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions. Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly? Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father. Scully: Impossible. Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files. Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake. Scully: But we have no proof. Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red. Scully: But that was a meteor shower. Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night. Scully: Mulder, I -- Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter. Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...
Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus
|1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
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