Children
Where is the French border?
"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?" "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."
A small boy was lost, so he went up...
A small boy was lost, so he went up to apoliceman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The cop said, "What's he like?"The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
The teacher hears Little Johnny cussing, and...
The teacher hears Little Johnny cussing, and gets pissed off.She goes bitching to Little Johnny's father. She comes toLittle Johnny's house and sees Little Johnny fucking a goatin the front yard. She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son!Your son! He cussed in the school and now....now he's beingcarnal with a goat in the front yard!" Little Johnny's father goes running out the door yelling,"Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!"
One day a boy asks his dad...
One day a boy asks his dad,"What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where shewas sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see thatbrown soft furry patch? That is a pussy." The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft andfurry it is?" "No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the cunt."
To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails...
To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat. ?I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. ?If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" ?You'll be fatter than that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, ?Excuse me, but do you know me?" And the little girl says, ?No, but I know what you've been doing..."Sent by Max
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?A: When you see teeth marks.
A real bastard
A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.His tears are streaming down his cheeks.An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him."What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?""It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all fourlittle kittens we had yesterday!""That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Yourfather is a real bastard!'"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me thatI could do it."
A kid at a sleep-away camp wrote home...
A kid at a sleep-away camp wrote home,"Please send me some food. All they serve here are meals."
Fair Punishment
Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?Teacher: Of course not!Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!
Two children are in a doctor's waiting room...
Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child. "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger." When he heard this, the other child started to cry. "Why are you crying?" "I'm here for a urine test."
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing...
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing theletter "R," and all the other kids were, of course,teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gavehim a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richarda rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy torecite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates -- many of themalready laughing at him -- then replied, "Bob gave Dicka poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."
A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal...
A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.The teacher held up a picture of a cat."What animal is this?" she asked. "A cat!" said Eddie."Good job! Now, what is this animal?""A dog!" said Eddie."Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of aDeer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,"It's what your mom calls your dad.""A horny bastard," called out Eddie.
Alphabet
Kid: Teacher can I go to the bathroom?Teacher: You have to say your ABC's firstKid: Ok,a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and zTeacher: Where's the p?Kid: It's running down my leg!!Sent by Jenna
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters...
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
A novel grasp on marriage
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, brightas a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the conceptof marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
Better than playing doctor
Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum. Suzie asked, "You wanna play doctor?" Johnny replied, "NO, that too old fashioned.Spit out you gum, I wanna play president."
Little Johnny tried out for the school play...
Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"
Sad revelations
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birdsand the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, burstinginto tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."Confused, the father asked what was wrong."Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
What's the best form of birth control after 50?Nudity
Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children whilethey were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she askedwhat the drawing was.The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girlreplied, "They will in a minute."
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