At Work
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him...
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change."I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."Nine hands went up."Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man."Too much trouble," came the reply.
Three envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve...
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Time to quit
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do youknow what time we quit around here ?" he asked."Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."
Does anyone know what would happen if the earth...
Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster thanit does today ??We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...
When the staff goes out after work, they talk about...
When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball.When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.Top management discusses golf.Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
There are thousands of sex phone lines for men...
There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can justgo to work.
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president...
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice presidenthad finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back ofhis leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way."And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded hiswife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home."Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding...
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me.""WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
Several weeks after a young man had been hired...
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held.""Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
Advisor on sexual matters
The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company.""That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?""I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."
When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher...
When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs on his pipe and said, "I have an informal piece of advice for you, Miss Bell. There's only one way you can get along in this school without submitting to the sexual advances of theprincipal.""Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?""I'll explain it, " he continued, "as soon as you've undressed."
Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one...
Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one is blind and the other appears normal. A couple of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He sees the guys and decides to have compassion on them. He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his sight is restored. He touches the man in the wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away. He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, 'Whoa, God! I'm on workman's comp!'
A man was interviewing for a sales representative...
A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate wouldhave been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcertingmannerism. He kept winking."Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good referencesand experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all thetime, it might put our customers off.""No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid ofit is to take a couple of aspirins."So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled tosee dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy dutyvarieties and every known brand of standard condom."Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winkingstopped at once."Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to bewomanising all over his territory.""Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married.""Then how do you account for all of these things?""Simple, Did you ever go into a chemist winking all the time and ask fora packet of aspirins?"
Jon starts working in a lumber camp...
Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday."Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad...
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself."I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""Excuse me?" the accountant said."I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.""I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?""I'll start you at eighty thousand.""Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?""That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
It had taken him several months, but the executive...
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice presidenthad finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the backof his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way."And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife,when the wayward husband finally arrived home."Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE
NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGEIt has been brought to our attention that some individuals have beenusing foul language during the execution of their duties. Due tocomplaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type oflanguage will no longer be tolerated.We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properlyexpress their feelings when communicating with other employees. Withthis in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list ofcode phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue inan effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitivebrethren.Old Phrase New Phrase1. No fucking way I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible2. Your fucking joking Really3. Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that by................4. No cunt told me I was not involved in that project5. I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work late6. Who fucking cares Are you sure that is the problem7. Eat shit and die You don't say8. Eat shit and die motherfucker You don't say, Sir9. Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you10. He's a fucking prick He is somewhat insensitive11. That's fucking bullshit I find that hard to believe12. You haven't got a fucking clue You could benefit from more training13. This place is fucked We are a little disorganised today14. What sort of fucker are you You're new here aren't you?15. Fuck off shit head Well there you go16. You're a fucking wanker You're my manager and I respect you17. Ha! Fuck you I wasn't there that day18. This is bollocks We need to look into this some more19. I aint got no cunt I am rather short of labour20. Fuck off I'll look into that and get back to you
Brain or muscles?
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough."Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.""You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
It's not a big deal, but it feels good
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"
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