Animal World
A gruesome murder
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker barin the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outsideto the parking meter?"A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his bodyhair growing out through the seams, turned slowly onhis stool, looked down at the quivering little manand said, "It's my dog. Why?""Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,"I believe my dog just killed it, sir.""What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in thehell kind of dog do you have?""Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week oldpuppy.""Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill myDoberman?""It appears that he choked on it, sir."
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam...
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, andyoung George was pretty excited."Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George."George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined upat the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a niceorderly fashion." said Sam."Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Samsaid and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few moreinstructions."Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end andyou can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam."OK, OK, let's go!" said George."Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals willlet us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?"said Sam."Sure" says George.Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at oneend and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam'sinstructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure tosay - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am,thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? Fucks funny!
Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts? He got 16 months.
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order...
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
Did you know elephants have sex organs on their feet?
Did you know elephants have sex organs on their feet? They step on you and you're screwedSent by D.L.Chapin
Bying a horse
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buya horse, I'm sending him over."The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male orfemale horse."A female horth," the midget replies.So the owner shows him one."Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse s mouth."Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes."Ok, what about the earsth?"Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget onemore time and shows the ears."OK, finally, I d like to see her twat," said the midget.With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head upthe horse's twat, then pulled him out.Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase.I'd like to see her run!"
There were two guys walking down the street...
There were two guys walking down the streetand they saw a dog licking his nuts.One of the guys said. "Man I wish I could do that".Then the other guy said, "Man that dog will bite you!"!
Why do gorillas have big noses?
Why do gorillas have big noses? Because they have big fingers.
How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager Style
How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager StyleSenior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based onthe assumption that elephants are just like field mice, butwith deeper voices. Sent by Alex
How to Hunt Elephants -- QA Style
How to Hunt Elephants -- QA StyleQuality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and lookfor mistakes the other hunters made when they were packingthe jeep.
How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales Style
How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales StyleSalespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their timeselling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery twodays before the season opens. Software salespeople ship thefirst thing they catch and write up an invoice for anelephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint themgray and sell them as "desktop elephants."Sent by Alex
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip...
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip,this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppyonboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of hispants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shakingand quivering. 'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew? 'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man. Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again.. 'Are you sure you're alright sir?' 'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.' 'Whats wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?' 'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!'
Two neighbors had been fighting each other...
Two neighbors had been fighting each other fornigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane andteaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use thebathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and ahalf of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; beingignored all the while, a semi pulls up in frontof Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the18-wheeler. 'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.
There were two cats that enjoyed running together...
There were two cats that enjoyed running together. The first cat was english, called One-two-three.The other was french and called Un-deux-trois. One day when they were running they came to a hugeriver. The cats took a large run up and leapt asfar as they could. Which cat drowned? Un-deux-trois cat sank (un deux trois quatre cinq)
Pet owners
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guywith a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinschersays to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over tothat restaurant and get something to eat.' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there.We've got dogs with us.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.' They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the DobermanPinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walkin. A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand.This is my seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' He says, 'Yes,they're using them now, they're very good.' The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.' The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he putson a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This ismy seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?'
What does the snail say when he gets on the turtle?
What does the snail say when he gets on the turtle?"Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!"
There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river...
There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lioncame by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "Howfunny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?"After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbedthe lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course,and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring,he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good timeto be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he hadto think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion.Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent.The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter'sshirt and hat, and started to read the paper.A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunterreading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?"From behind the paper The gorilla answered, "You mean the one thatscrewed the lion in the ass?"Flabergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?"
An elephant...
An elephant walks up to a naked guy and says, "How do you breathe out of that thing?"Sent by abu dahbi
A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot...
A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for hisbirthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitudedue to the influence of its former owner, who is now adeceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and downat everything it sees. One day the man comes home with agorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing theparrot says is " Hey bitch how much for a handjob". Shetakes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out thedoor. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother.The parrot opens up with,"I'll suck that crusty coin-slotcrack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you losethat over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle thosedroopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack thatleaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threatfrom his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands nomore. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it intothe freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kickingfrom the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silencepasses by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learnedyour lesson?", he sternly said. All the parrot can say is"I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuckhappened to the chicken?Sent by Rob
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