Animal World
An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing...
An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water."That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls.The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water."Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist."Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"
Nice, but rough
An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horseflykept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.It was far out of reach.A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak."Oh, thank you!" said the elephant."My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow."Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don'thesitate to ask."The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuckan elephant.""Be my guest!", said the elephant.So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the treesabove, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head."OUCH!", said the elephant.Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance...
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the antwakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one nightof passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
A fair warning
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, thelargest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out."
There were two cows in a paddock...
There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. The first cow said "Moo."And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."
Two cows were talking in the field one day...
Two cows were talking in the field one day.First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?
What's green and has wheels?
What's green and has wheels?A FrogI lied about the wheels
I like monkeys
This was originally posted in rec.sport.pro-wrestlingDate: 1999/03/04Author: briang68g@gearthlink.netI like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. Ithought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided notto look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their newenvironment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at highspeeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectaclelost its novelty halfway into its third hour.Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, theyall died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then Ihad one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had toextinguish the fire.Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use thebathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was notallowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. Myfriends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in thegenitals.I like monkeys.
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly...
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly...
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?" The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"
Why did the cactus cross the road?
Why did the cactus cross the road?It was stuck to the dumb chickenSent by Robbie
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet...
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
A talking horse
A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes.The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and beganto boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 racesand won over ?5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found thehorse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal."Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer."Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you ?10,000 for the horse."Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, whywouldn't I want your horse?""Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in hislife."
The essential difference
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother'skeeper or my keeper's brother."
A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel...
A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground. "That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree." "Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in love?"
A German shepherd went to a Western Union office...
A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out ablank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There areonly nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for thesame price."The dog replied "What, and ruin the punchline?!"
Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?
Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?It rips off your arm, then runs for help.
A lusty camel
A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again. Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says "For Christ's sake, what do you want now?" The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.
A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them...
A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What's your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My name's Duey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going to tell me your names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles." The dog replies "No, I'm having a fucking miserable day and my name is Puddles."
An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft...
An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says: "Tail gunner to pilot...Tail gunner to pilot.."The eagle says "what do you want?"The mouse asks how high up they are.The eagle thinks for a moment and then says "ohh about 5,000 ft."The mouse then replies "You wouldn't be shittin me now would ya??"
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