Animal World
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A. Two. But I have no idea how they get in there.
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he noticesthat the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stopsat the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets abig dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an owl?
What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an owl?A Cock that can stay up all night!!
At an auction
During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placeda winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortunefor that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say hedoes.""I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who doyou think was bidding against you?"
Some cows view each day as the last roundup...
Some cows view each day as the last roundup,others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunityto eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.
Persistency Act
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and noone is there. He looks all around and he finally sees alittle snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up andthrows it across the street into a field.Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on hisdoor. He opens it up and no one is there.He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snailsitting on the doormat.The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that allabout?"
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
Here's a sad one...Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.
A man takes his dog for a walk in the park...
A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first."
Stuttering animal
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that aninteresting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no otheranimal in the world does this.Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says."Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher."Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"
My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of...
My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult timeachieving an orgasm.The Dr said "which position do you use?""Doggy style," said dumb shit."why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see ifthat works any better." said the Dr."We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"
What's the worst thing about washing your cat?
Q: What's the worst thing about washing your cat?A: Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.
I think Rover is getting a bit old...
"I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf.""Bullshit, watch this...Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll getthe shovel and clean it up!"
An irresolvable problem
A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged."Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist."No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style.""Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop.""I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."
Why does a dog lick his balls?
Why does a dog lick his balls? Because he can't make a fist.
Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?
Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?Because they can.
What's brown and crispy on the outside...
What's brown and crispy on the outside, and white and creamy on the inside? A cockroach.
A man running a little behind schedule arrives...
A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner,"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!""Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
What came first, the chicken or the egg? - I'd have to say it was the rooster!
A horse walks into a bar...
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says: "So, why the long face?"
How do you make a cat drink?
How do you make a cat drink?1 cat2 lemonsVodkaMix then serve
<< Prev 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Next >>